Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Hank Ilesic

This particular bit of dementia came from a piece of news that Sean sent me. Hank Ilesic had been a punter in the CFL for many years. Recently, he tried out for the Ottawa Renegades when one of their kickers (or do they just have the one) went down with an injury. The interesting part of this newspiece was that Hank Ilesic punts recreationally.

What does that mean, you ask? Well, a normal person would just assume that Hank was lying, padding his resume. Something like:

“So, Hank, you keeping in shape?”

“Sure, (coach) Joe (Paopao)! I … um… punt recreationally!”

This reminds me of a time, just about ten years ago, when I was living in the city with Jake. Atti and I applied for jobs as security guards and Atti decided to sweeten the pot by adding “3 years martial arts training” to his application form.

That’s what a “normal” person would assume. Between Sean and I, however, we managed to twist Hank Ilesic into some mythological figure whose lot (and only joy) in life is to tote along a bag full of J-5-Vs (the old football standard of the CFL), punting. This would have been enough, so we had to continue.

I believe the big turn came when Hank didn’t make the Renegades. See, between Sean and I, we reasoned that Hank didn’t make the team because he hit Paopao’s kid with a ball. Upon being escorted from the practice facility, Hank could be heard screaming “I got one in here for you too, Paopao!” [punt](the [punt] being the sound of Hank punting a ball AT Paopao.

From there, Hank became a twisted, bitter man. His only joy, punting, had been transformed into a malicious, havoc-wreaking passion. “F#ck that! F#ck you! F#ck everyone!” [punt]

After causing some damage, Hank was forced into community service as a Big Brother. Bobby, a little orphan boy, came to love Hank, but Hank’s heart of stone would not turn.

“I love you, Hank.”
“F#ck. Whatever.” [punt]

His indifference has not changed Bobby’s heart. And Bobby’s continued devotion has turned Hank malicious.

“Do you love me, Hank?”
“Yes, Bobby.”
“No. Haw haw.”

Of course, you’ve learned by now that we cannot leave anything where it is. We decided to add a science-fiction twist to Hank’s adventures.

As we did with Dorian Boose (which is the subject for a future posting), we inserted Hank into a part in Flash Gordon. Unlike Boose, though, we made Hank the jealous Prince Barin.

Lines such as “We certainly welcome you all to stay,” became “I welcome you to f#ck off!”

Hank also saw time in place of Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China:

"Six Demon Bag? F#ck your six-demon bag. I got a bag of J-5-f#cking-Vs here." [punt]

"No horse-sh!t, Jack?"
"F#ck you, Wang." [punt]

"You know what Jack Burton always says."
"F#ck you, Lo-Pan." [punt]

Most recently came Hallowe’en , when Hank took Bobby trick-or-treating as part of his community service.

“Gimme that candy.”
“You gonna check it for poisum, Hank?”
“F#ck that. I’m gonna eat it.”
“You MUST love me. You’re keeping me from eating candy that would be bad for me. Thank you, Hank!”
“What? F#ck. Whatever.”

If this seems stupid to you, well, you’re probably not alone, but it’s kept me amused this long, and it will probably continue to, well into… um… December?

Hank will always have a place in my heart, even if he is a cold, unfeeling bastard who is only happy when he’s punting recreationally.


Hank said...

This is f#cking stupid!

< punt >

Love Hank, a$$hole.

ayvxr? What the f#ck does that
sh!it mean?

Liam J. said...

Stupid, yes.

I just hope you never find out about us. I fear the J-5-V.

zucnapfq: ZZZZ you can nap? Fuh-q!

Hank said...

F#CKING macroscopic causality alternate reality bullsh!t!

Anonymous said...

But, I still need to know, how does one punt recreationally?

Is there a demand for this? Maybe at tradeshows or something.


Liam J. said...

I see him, on breaks at a construction gig, pulling out the bag of footballs and just kicking.

cfknafa: Canadian football kicker: never a football awry!

KimProbable said...

You know, having been married to you for over a year now I sometimes think that I've got a fairly good grasp of what it is to be "Liam". Then I read entries like this and I realize I barely know you. Weirdo.

Baron Von Cliff said...

Along with his sack o' footballs, is he possibly also toting a bottle of malt liquor? Uhhh...Hammerin' Hank...what a legacy.

Oh, and perhaps at some point he could bitterly attack another CFL kicking vet...Dave Ridgway, perhaps?

Sean Woods said...

I also think our Hank would be the type to wear a "No Fat Chicks" shirt.

Incidentally Clidd, Liam and I created Hank in a beer swilling image.

Hank said...

F#ck yeah, execute that b@stard, Ming![chug]

Dylan said...

"Can you still hear the punting, Clarice?"

NO FAT CHICKS shirts rule!

Baron Von Cliff said...

And I STILL think that at some point he just snap, and actually punt the kid sidekick.

Sean Woods said...

Clidd, what you don't know is that Hank was arrested for punting J5V's at small children. As punishment, he was sentenced to LOTS of community hours helping children...hense Bobby.

If Hank were to punt a child, the reprecussions would be severe!

Baron Von Cliff said...

Well, OBVIOUSLY that changes things! If you guys would just provide informtation like this in the first place, I'd abandon the idea of his punting the kid...and move on to a punt of the kid's terrier!

Sean Woods said...

Liam and I have a yet to be finished story which involves Hank hitting Boose's dog (l'il Boose) with a J5V.

To answer Rob's question...we're as perplexed as you. The original article never went into detail as to what "recreational punting" is.

Baron Von Cliff said...

Now...is this the effective-for-a-year Boose, or the fat-useless-pile Boose?

Sean Woods said...

This is obviously the "real" Ming fightin', QB sackin' funk machine known as the B-O-O-S-E.


Baron Von Cliff said...

Okay, so BEFORE he decided to financially support a burger chain by himself...good. In fact, I believe he was THE Burger Baron.

Sean Woods said...

Speaking of Burger Baron, there is a Burger Baron/Queen Doniar hybrid restaurant a few blocks from my place.

Truly, it is a magical establishment of wonder. They even have a "donair burger" - the heart killer.

Baron Von Cliff said...

Wow! That sounds fat-tastic! right up there with the Donair Sub at Mike's.
Aaaah, the donair...any food where they oil up the bread beforehand is good with me.

Sean Woods said...

Can you believe I've only been there ONCE?

Probably for the best.

Baron Von Cliff said...

I can believe it, because you appear to still be alive.

Baron Von Cliff said...

Donair update!

the donair place in Millwoods Mall (Buster's, I think?) has the Donair Brute sandwich. Good stuff.